Masochism and Malevolence
I read a very interesting post by Elle recently. It got me thinking. How exactly do Mister and I run this ship of kink?
Since reading Elle’s post, I’ve questioned whether what we do is too focused on the pain. I don’t know if I should be worried that it is such a factor in our playing. It’s not as if we use it every time we have sex. But when we have the defined roles of dominant and submissive, pain is mostly how we express that distinction. I have seen an increase with how often we use pain. In the past it was always paired in with pleasure.
We switch. Yes, true enough. Whilst Mister has a perhaps 65/35% majority over who is in control in the bedroom, when I take the reins, I drive him hard. But how do I do it? What do I do? Is it really healthy for us? Is this what Mister wants or is it just me? And possibly most importantly, is pain too much of a force behind what we do?
I think I’ll break this down into my submissive and dominant behaviours.
Submissive
I find I need him to take things in his hands – take me in his hands. I have spoken before, and many other times, about just what it is that I dig about being submissive. The contradictory state of being restricted in your choices and will and having the freedom of mind to leave everything to your partner to steer. I will completely fall to his overbearing presence over me or his fervoured kisses on my lips, breasts or over my body. One stare from him and I melt under him.
But more than anything, I think, is the pain. It gets me off so well. Even the hint of it will get my sex yearning for him. The everyday light spanks he gives me at any given moment when we are alone. Sometimes when we are not. The other day for instance, going upstairs, him following behind he grabs my arse, misogynistically and deliberately and I jump in surprise and turn round to him in mock-disdain. Then there are the spanks he delivers in the bedroom. Deep and meaningful and carefully aimed. I feel myself getting wetter after each sting of his hand. Then there’s the tasseled whip or something wooden from the kitchen. Even writing about it and my toes are wiggling and I feel warmer. Hair-pulling, biting - more-so lately - everything I love about being submissive is linked to pain. Twisting against the cuffs/scarves/ties – I love that burn on my wrists or ankles.
Should this be so good though? Yes, he is always careful with me. He will never go too far and I let him know if things aren’t right. Although he at times will purposefully ignore my pleadings for him to stop when his form of torture is him fingering or licking me to distraction. He aims for me to pass out one day. I am not so sure.
Dominant
Not as often as I would like to be, when I am Mistress of all I survey – namely, Mister, the hold over him is strong. I use restraints to help things along. I’m a little thing really, and it aids for the menacing malevolent streak that I go for. Cruel, yet caring. Usually it involves alternating between giving Mister pleasure and pain in equal doses. A massage with spanks by various implements. Going down of him, easing him to the edge of his limits then backing down. Teasing, tortuously. Scratches. Although not as deeply as I would like – Mister isn’t keen on the idea of breaking the skin. Fair shout, really. The ice and wax games.
I feel myself pulled in by it. Drawn to him all the more because of what he is allowing me to do to him. The level of trust he gives me. It’s dangerously hypnotic.
We go down the non-ouchy route of domming. A remote control buzzy thing that Mister would be in charge of. But that was early on in our relationship. Recently, the body paint and marking him with that. I enjoyed that, fulfilling a fantasy of mine. The paint wasn’t that great unfortunately and we’ve not had another session yet. I need to find something that is the right consistency of fluid with a good colour (and possibly edible). We try things out, but if they don’t work first time, it can be months or in the buzzy thing’s case, a few years before we have another attempt. We stick to the same routine. Bondage. Spanking. The notion of ‘too much pleasure’ that he loves to exert over me. But something isn’t right. I seem to be itching for something else. Maybe it’s because it has become a little too regimented. Too predictable. I want to try more things.
So lately we have been. I bought the anal toy to explore and I’m overcoming my big mental block over that area. Mister is keen to test the waters with it on me, which is great. But I want to try something new for my dominant repertoire. Thing is, I’m not quite sure what. I’m stumped. I need inspiration. Something other than simply tying him up and using pain as the main controlling force over him. I want to get into the ‘mind-fuck’ way of thinking. Mess with his head. Toy with him. Once or twice I’ve set things up to make his mind whir with the possible things I may or may not do to him. I need to be more consistent.
I guess this is partly a shout out to fellow-minded ladies to find out what you do to you significant others and also a call out to any submissives to discover what your partners do to you that really ticks all the boxes.
I need help.
Understatement of the year.
Blacksilk said,
April 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Excellent post, LadyP, really excellent stuff. Must’ve taken a fair bit of thought. Consequently my reply is likely to be long and bumbling, so my apologies.
“Is it really healthy for us? Is this what Mister wants or is it just me? And possibly most importantly, is pain too much of a force behind what we do?”
I’d say that chances are it’s not *un*healthy, simply because very few kinks are. The next questions are important for the first one, though. I think that as long as both you and Mister enjoy giving/receiving pain and as long as your use of it doesn’t negatively affect your sex life or your relationship, it’s all good.
It’s hard for me to tell how much you may be worried about the consequences and how much you may be worried about the connotations, but I’d say that if your reason for uncertainty is the image of ‘pain = bad/unhealthy’ then I wouldn’t worry. Such connotations are rarely either helpful or correct.
“He aims for me to pass out one day. I am not so sure.”
Sounds like you think he might go a bit too far for you one day. How comfortable are you with him ignoring your pleas to stop? Either way, I think you pair may want to have a safeword. I scoffed a bit at them first and have still never used ours but there at least needs to be a clear difference between “No” and “No, *really* now”.
In any case the pain aspect seems to really get you off, so don’t be scared of it. Just make sure you always know each others ‘absolute limits’ and each others more ‘flexible limits’, I guess, like your anal play thing, stuff you can toy with but are nervous about.
“Maybe it’s because it has become a little too regimented. Too predictable. I want to try more things.”
So, sounds like your main problem with the pain on the dom side is that it gets a bit samey. Using it a lot isn’t a problem in and of itself, but this is something to work on, yeah. Mind-tricks sound good. I’ll go away and think for a bit and see if Fractal and I can think of anything in that vein that really works for us, I’m sure we can find something to suggest.
I’m sure there’s a bunch more stuff to comment on here, which I probably will at some point, but I don’t want to give you too much to wade through at once! Also, do let me know if I go on too much
Great , great post, though. Really thought-provoking.
Hugs x
ladypandorah said,
April 14, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Like I said over on Twitter, Blacksilk, you’re a breath of fresh air blowing away the cobwebs of my self-doubt.
I suppose this was me just going through a ‘hmm…’ phase – I get them every now and then and you’re right – I think I’ve been concerned too much with the social connotations rather than the personal ones that actually apply to me and Mister, just us, not Them.
Talking about safewords – We have discussed using one, but he didn’t think that what we do goes too far enough for us to need one. When he does do all the ‘right, time to really push you with my fingering’, bluntly speaking, I am able to wriggle away or push his hand away if it Really Is Too Much. The few times I’ve been completely bound wrists and ankles so I can’t move and he’s tried it, then it was bordering on my ‘over-limits’. So I guess next time it’s the whole hog(tie) I’ll tell him we’ll be using a safeword.
Anyways, looking forward to any suggestions you or Fractal may have for mind-tricks! I wouldn’t mind going all ‘Derren Brown’ on him. Mwhaha.
P x
agm13 said,
April 14, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Pleasure in pain… Very insightful. I knew this one chick who could only come if I strangled her until she nearly passed out.. Oxegeyn deprivation + masturbation ± orgasm …
Elle said,
April 15, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Awwww… I didn’t mean for my post to bring about all these self-doubts! Just cuz pain isn’t pleasure for me doesn’t mean it’s bad
Although I’ve started to notice of late that I orgasm harder and quicker if he pinches my nipples hard. So maybe I’m coming to meet you somewhere down the pain road!
It seems like I spoke too quickly and may have sounded like I was dissing the pain part. To be truthful, maybe I hadn’t thought of it in the right way and reading your post helped. And my beef (if I can call it that) was more with that friend of mine who probably WOULD enjoy the mind games but just isn’t experienced or knowledgeable enough to even know about this aspect of things (maybe she is, though, I’m just guessing here).
So, don’t worry about how you like pain. As long as it’s safe, sane and consentual, as they say, well, nothing wrong with it.
As for mind fucks… I’m not that great at those actually because I think they require more thinking and planning that I have the imagination and time for… Normally, it’ll be my offhand remarks that’ll get him all hot and bothered, and he’ll think it’s all planned. But to help your thoughts along, think of things that demonstrate your power and control over him. Think of things that make him feel like merely your object, to be enjoyed and used by you. Things that make him feel powerless and vulnerable. Boy Toy especially likes the notion that he’s my property. I really like to play with orgasm denial/control, too. Chastity devices have a HUGE hold on Boy Toy’s mind. And another thing, Boy Toy says he’s dominated before and when he does, he imagines himself in the sub’s shoes and goes with what would make HIM feel all subby.
I think what you do does play with the mental as well. To be tied up means you’re helpless, under your guy’s control, and seems to me that’s the part that gets you off… Same for pain. Sure, it’s physical, but there’s the whole aspect of him doing it to you, imposing it on you…